Compliments

How do we manage to keep realistic perspectives on our own talent? Creating that balance seems to me to be one of the most difficult aspects of an actor's life.

I've known my share of egotistical actors, people who think they're better than everyone else. And maybe they are more talented. But that doesn't excuse diva attitudes. Or, if actors aren't full of themselves, they're insecure and fearful that they're not very good. (I've been the second, and I hope I never have been or will be the first.)

What is the value of a compliment? At auditions for Annie, I remarked to someone how his father and his voice teacher (who is my voice teacher as well) are always bragging about him. He said, "Well, I don't want to get a big head." I said that I believe compliments should be passed on. If I hear something good about someone, I don't think that should remain secret. A compliment can fall like drops of rain on parched soil.

If we hear nothing but compliments and never a word of criticism, that's when (improperly inflated) egos can develop. Nobody is ever perfect. And I don't want to be fooled into thinking I'm good enough to stop working on my craft. I want to know where I can develop my skills further.

But if we haven't heard a compliment in a while ... oh! how good that feels to receive one! The really good kind, too. Not a friend saying "I think you're good. You have talent." Of course they say that; they're your friends. But when it comes from a stranger or from someone with a critical or professional perspective, that can mean more. Or maybe it's the kind of compliment that's phrased in just the right way to be joyfully reassuring.

I have received certain compliments that I treasure, and I return to them when I need reassurance. When I get rejected from a show or feel less talented than I would like, I remember the person who said I should be singing professionally or the voice teacher (not mine) who said I sounded great (or other, similar compliments). But still, fresh compliments are always better (and more elating).

I received a few really good compliments while auditioning for Annie. Outside of the whole audition process and what it means, etc., etc., that just made me feel so happy. It's interesting: I thought I had a great audition for Godspell, and I did. But now that I think on it, I realize I didn't actually receive any compliments on my audition. Does that mean I wasn't good? Certainly not. I was good. But I wasn't cast. If I did receive a compliment, it was of the tossed-off "great job" variety.

I want compliments to be meaningful. That goes for compliments I give and forward as well as those I receive. I'm not in the habit of telling people they did a great job acting or singing if I don't believe it. When I give a compliment, I want people to know I'm giving it with my whole heart. It's more meaningful that way.

When I give (or repeat) a compliment, it's because I want you to hear it, because I believe you deserve it and deserve to hear it — and because I want you to take it and water whatever dry part of your confidence needs it. I will take compliments with gratitude and grace. And while I might forget some of them, I will take the most special compliments and cherish them.

A friend said to me today, "It's so great that now you're so talented that nobody can deny that. Even if they don't cast you, they can't say you're not talented. And they can't take that talent away from you."

It is because of regular (though not huge or overwhelming) receipt of compliments and reassurances from friends, colleagues, strangers and myself that I am finally finding myself able to fully believe in my talent (and not in an egotistical way). The value of that is a) finding myself — astonishingly — better able to cope with audition nerves and b) not let casting rejections get me down (as much).

A Great Audition

The hardest thing for me — and for many performers — is to conjure up a sense of confidence while feeling vulnerable and needy. Desperation — to be cast ... to have a validation of talent ... to not face rejection yet again — can turn me into a quivering, warbling mess.

I auditioned tonight for Godspell. I want to get in. I think I'm good enough. I want that validation, and I don't want to be rejected. ... But aside from those feelings, which I can never completely dismiss, my audition was about two things: 1) having fun and 2) believing in my talent regardless of the specific outcome.

It was helpful that I was auditioning for a welcoming theatre company, not a cliquey one. And the production team is specifically looking for people who can work well as a group and be free from ego. I also was there with one of my best friends, which helped me have more fun.

They invited people to sing songs from the show other than the specific audition piece at the end of the night. So I sang a song I wanted to sing. I messed it up (because it was my first time singing it other than with the CD and the counting was tough), but I didn't stress out about it. And then I blew the roof off with the high A that ends the song!

Remember that high G that I used to be worried about? This is a full step higher. And I hit it in full, strong voice with no problem. My voice lessons have paid off. (And my voice teacher says I regularly sing to a C or C# and vocalize to an F above high C. So G's and A's should be nothing to worry about.)

I'll find out Friday or Saturday whether I got in. I'm crossing my fingers. And I hope that this audition sets the stage for a great audition for Annie on Saturday.

My Thoughts ... in a Song

I found this song while browsing around on YouTube. The guy who wrote it (Scott Alan) has channeled thousands of musical theatre performers. It's like he plucked the words right out of my head and created a song. Amazing!