Fear of Aging

I remember being 10 years old. My grandma had a bottle of Oil of Olay (the kind in the glass container and before they had 50,000 different products). She said, "It will make you look 10 years younger!" That was the reason to use it. And my 10-year-old self derived a great deal of amusement out of this. Here was a lotion I could put on to make me look like a newborn! Of course, I wasn't surprised when it didn't work that way, but it made me laugh anyway.

I had a vague concept of why women wanted to look younger, but I didn't really understand it. At that time in my life, the greatest compliment in the world was to be mistaken for a 12-year-old. Even after I turned 21, there was a time when it felt good not to be carded.

So when did that change? When did getting carded go from being an insult to being a compliment? I used to love it when people thought I was older than I was. When did I start loving it when people thought I was younger than I was?

I've always looked younger than my age, which I'm grateful for now. But I also realize I don't look like a teenager. Gray hairs don't bother me. I've had some since before I was 20, and they can always be dyed. But wrinkles! I'm a little freaked out over the signs of aging on my forehead, eyes and hands.

I suppose everyone has hang-ups over their age and physical appearance. But it's especially tricky for an actor. There are days when I'm okay with it. After all, I'm not yet old enough to play Mrs. Lovett. I have to keep aging if I ever want to play that role. I also have come to terms with the fact that I'll never play Leisl. I don't want to shoehorn myself into roles (like 30-somethings in Grease).

I was flipping through a copy of The Coast of Utopia and took great comfort from the fact that Jennifer Ehle and Martha Plimpton played characters that were considerably younger than their actual ages. I was technically too old to be Hope in Urinetown, yet I could pull that off age-wise because I do look younger.

But there are days when I just feel old.

And I think the reason is that I'm years behind in the game. I didn't go to theatre school right out of high school. I didn't start auditioning right after college. My career hasn't even started yet. And that's scary. It makes me fear that I'm too late, that I'll be "too old" before I get anywhere.

Losing Weight

Today I had yet another person say to me, "Have you lost weight? You look so skinny!" I've heard that so many times that I think it must be true.

That makes me feel good for two reasons: One, I've lost weight. Yay! Two, I maintain a very healthy attitude about my body/weight. If I were obsessive about dieting or my weight, when people asked me that question, I'd say "Yes" — and probably know exactly how much weight I had actually lost. Instead, I don't even own a scale. I think I've been eating healthier in general ... but I still eat ice cream regularly. And I've been exercising more — though not for the sake of exercise. I've been stretching, doing sit-ups and push-ups, and taking dance class, plus rehearsals for Annie. That keeps me pretty active.

And that's exactly how I like it! Losing weight through doing things I love (dancing, etc.) and not working at it! Because, honestly, being a few pounds overweight, I'd rather be happy eating things I love and not working out than obsessing over trying to obtain an impossible body image.