Zombies

There's something about letting go of yourself and doing something absolutely ridiculous that is so important.

On Saturday I left my stress behind and pretended to be a zombie. I wasn't trying to find a job. I wasn't trying to advance my acting career (even as I was acting). I wasn't worrying about my looks. I just indulged in something that had no other purpose than to be fun.

I came up with a zombie-doll concept for my costume. I did the hair and eyelashes (which were my favorite bit). Becca did my lip wound. I did my zombie makeup with later touch-ups by Becca. Makeup design overall was by Triptych, Becca and Sara's makeup business (which I hope to help them expand).

Feeling Discouraged

It's inevitable. It's impossible to feel positive and optimistic all the time, and inevitably I fall into feeling discouraged. A little over a month ago, I felt I was on the brink of really cool change in my life. Now, with no job and no change in my situation, I'm feeling a little hopeless.

I feel a little bit better after my voice lesson. It helped put things in perspective. It comes down to the same thing: taking action and creating opportunities for myself. That's true when I'm optimistic and things are going my way — and it's definitely true when I'm feeling down. Still, it can be hard to motivate myself to work on creating opportunities when I feel like it will be a waste of time anyway.

I need to dig myself out of this hole and start making things happen for myself.

Pursuing my dream

This feels right.

I'm starting to take some small steps toward what I know I want, and it feels good. There's a clarity of purpose. It all seems to make sense. There's a joy in the idea of pursuing my dream, as crazy and improbable as that dream may be. I had a funny breakthrough the other day. I was thinking about how scary the thought of moving to New York and really trying for it would be. And then I laughed out loud. Of course it's scary! It's supposed to be scary. There would probably be something wrong with me if it weren't scary.

For now my goal is to focus on the spring auditions: StrawHat, NETC and VATTA. So, I'll definitely prepare an audition that I can use VATTA (the Vermont auditions, which are open). And, I hope I'll be able to also use it at StrawHat and/or NETC. Those are the non-union professional auditions (for summer-stock and regional theatres) that you have to apply to audition for.

Action: Voice Lessons

I'm continuing with voice lessons — which, phrased like that, has a way of sounding less useful than it is. I think it's like exercising as opposed to a lesson in the sense of learning something new. It's not that I go in and he teaches me how to sing. I already know how to sing. It's about developing my singing voice and becoming a stronger singer.

The belting challenge continues to be interesting. For the most part, I'm not doing a pure belt but am doing a belt-mix. And that might be just what my voice does. My teacher doesn't want to "put pressure" on me or my voice, trying to get a true belt instead of a belt-mix. He says my belt-mix is "terrific" and that he kills himself trying to get people to do (mixing) what I'm doing naturally. So, yay!

I also might have some opportunities coming up through my voice lessons: to take part in a cabaret and/or to take an auditioning workshop from an NYC agent.

Action: Reading

I have finished reading A Challenge for the Actor by Uta Hagen, and I also read A Practical Handbook for the Actor. The two couldn't be more different. And I like that because I think my preferred acting style lies somewhere in the middle.

The title of the second book is such a turnoff. Acting isn't supposed to be practical; it's supposed to be creative. The title makes acting seem so boring. And the approach to acting in the book kind of is. It suggests using substitutions because "you will never be able to believe that you are the character you are playing." I suppose that's true strictly speaking. But I think the point of acting is the willing suspension of disbelief. Really believing I am a certain character might not happen, but I don't have to remind myself that I'm not that character, either. The book also dismisses feelings/emotions. I think there's room for feelings/emotions, but I agree with the main reasoning against feelings. If you're relying on feelings to play a scene, they might not be there for you. And if you think you have to "feel" a certain way, a) it's presupposing an emotional state instead of being in the moment and b) you will "fail" and have nowhere to do if those feelings aren't occurring. Instead, having a strong sense of purpose gives rise to natural character, action and emotion with the flexibility of being in the moment. There are some gems of wisdom I can draw from the book, while dismissing much of the rest of it as being too "practical" and detached for my tastes.

Uta Hagen's book I found to be a fascinating mixed bag. I intend to read it again and make notes of things I like and dislike. Some of it I found to be overly self-indulgent, pretentious or irrelevant. I've never been one to think an actor has to know the character's name and complete biography in order to play a role. Or does it really matter if I'm able to convince myself (using sensory exercises) that a stove is really hot? Other aspects of her book are extremely analytical and illuminating. Physicality can be such a tricky thing for any actor. Her dissections of things such as eye contact or visual focus and the act of waiting (not doing nothing, but doing a dozen little things) make me so excited to get onstage again and use those tools to feel less awkward with blocking, etc.