Live a Little Bit More

Frank Sinatra supposedly said of Judy Garland that she died a little bit inside each time she sang; that's how much she gave to each song. I understand his point, but ...

I would rather live a little bit more each time I sing. I'd like to find a richer experience, a fuller life each time I sing. I want to be more alive, to have feeling enough for two lives. If somebody could one day say of me "She lived a little bit more each time she sang; that's how much she gave to each song" I would consider it the highest compliment.

Action: Submitting?

This notion of submitting is new to me. In community theatre, they hold open auditions. You just show up and audition. Occasionally, you might need to sign up for a time slot in advance.

So, I've sent out several submissions — photos and resumes, essentially. If I clear that first hurdle, then I'll get invited to audition.

• StrawHat Auditions (large, "combined" auditions for non-Equity performers for summer stock, regional theatre, etc.)


• NETC Auditions (same as above)


• A professional (Equity and non-Equity) Vermont production of Man of La Mancha


• A SAG Indie film shooting in Illinois this summer

We'll see if any of these things develop further!

Moving On

So, I got the expected rejection call yesterday. That brings with it the usual mix of emotions and confusion. "They're a bunch of idiots who don't recognize talent and only cast the same old people." (True.) Or: "If I can't even get cast in community theatre, how can I hope to make it professionally?" (Less true, based on the truth of the previous statement. Still, I can't always stop the insecure part of my brain from thinking it.)

I made up my mind never to audition for this company again. This has two advantages. First, I immediately feel my sanity return. No more getting my hopes up or thinking things might be different when they never are. What a relief to never waste my time or emotion on them again. Second, I finally felt emboldened to use a line I've long wanted to use. When they said they were "unable" to offer me a part, I said "Unable? I'm sorry. I thought the production team had control over casting." The woman who called said, "They do." I said, "But you just said you were 'unable' to cast me. You know, you reject me; that's fine. But I'd appreciate it if you had the balls to stand behind your decision." Haha! I'm not big on burning bridges, but that one felt so right. (And for the record, the lead went to the producer's daughter. Quelle suprise.)

Now I pick myself up and move on. And here's the hard part: How? Do I really? I've said I'm going to "aggressively pursue" an acting career in 2008. So far, action on that has been auditioning for a community theatre show and having my headshots taken (still unedited). Not good. I ask myself: What's standing in my way? What's preventing me from moving deliberately, aggressively and promptly? Why do I drag my feet? Is it laziness and fear? Or is there something else stopping me? I can't think of what that something else would be. Laziness and fear are enough. They are insidious and can eat away at all of my good intentions.

So... I'm not going to beat myself up over not having done "enough" in the first two weeks of 2008. I can't change the past. All I can do is change my future behaviors. My vow: I refuse to let laziness or fear destroy my dreams!

Feeling like a Fool

I feel like a fool. First of all, for being naive enough to think that this time things would be different and that this time the audition process would be fair. Second of all, for being so emotional and upset.

I was crying quite a bit. But I've recovered somewhat. I'm angry, but I'm also ready to move on. And what is it they say about success being the best revenge?

I've had it with the cliques and the stupidity. I'm through with trying to get into such a ridiculous organization. All they are is big. They're not good. They don't cast based on talent.

I know it all sounds a little bit like sour grapes. But I'm through. I deserve respect even if I don't get cast. So for my own sanity, I've got to call it quits with getting my hopes up that this organization, which always disrespects me, will suddenly treat me with respect.

A friend has repeatedly offered this advice: "If you don't trust them to reject you, don't trust them to direct you." Meaning if by rejecting you they would show an appalling lack of recognition for talent, they're not the kind of people you want to have directing you anyway. I'm beginning to see how wise that advice is. I had previously said I'd accept any role. And I would have had no problem with playing a small role. What I would have a problem with is playing background to someone who is distinctly less talented than I am. They probably won't even offer me a chorus role. If they do, I don't think I would want to take it.

Inspiration!

I have been putting myself in a good mental place by reviewing these thoughts and these thoughts and similar words of wisdom from acting/auditioning books, etc.

Then I thought how nice it would be to compile all those healthy productive thoughts in one place. (My own words and interpretations, though, not other people's work.) And then I thought how nice it would be to "illustrate" them with nice lettering and decorative borders. It can be in two formats: a small, portable book to look through as needed and art pieces to hang on a wall or put near a mirror.

This is a great way to combine my love of acting and my art. First I plan to do this for myself. Then, assuming the results are as good as I hope, I can sell books/prints. It would be perfect for so many actors.

What I Want

One of the columnists on Backstage.com had a new year's column about pursuing what you really want from a career. Fame and fortune, a movie career and Academy Award are the stereotypical dream. And that's a dream that's not right for everyone. So, what do you really want?

Me? I want a career on the stage. I want to be in musicals and plays (both).

Sure, Broadway is the ultimate dream. But I just want to be a regularly working actor. I want to be in rehearsals during the day, not at night after my "real" job. I want to be in a tour or in regional theatres, summer stock or dinner theatre. I want to have as many opportunities as I can to work on my craft, to grow as an actor, to improve as a singer. I want to not feel guilty or like I'm an impostor if I call myself an actor. I want to surround myself with other talented people and learn from them.

I just want to be doing it. I want to be acting as a career. I don't care if I'm a gypsy. I don't care if I'm not a star and "only" in a small role. I just want to be acting and singing on stage professionally.

2008

I'm not normally the type of person to make New Year's resolutions. After all, what is the new year, really? It's a new day. New days happen all the time. If you really want to change your life, you'll do it at any time. I quit smoking on June 20, a date with no special meaning. I didn't even have my last cigarette at midnight. So nothing about the timing was important. What mattered was that I made up my mind to do it. And I did it.

So, as I look forward to 2008, I find myself making resolutions for the first time. 1) to aggressively pursue opportunities to further my acting career, 2) to practice my voice lessons at least once between lessons, 3) to be more physically active and improve my dance skills.

All of these are resolutions related to my acting career. And, I suppose that is my first subconscious change: to think of it as an acting career. True, I'm not making money on it (yet). But I've started to think of it as a career, even when it's community theatre and local classes.

My dance class and voice lessons are professional development. I call myself an actor and singer and try to avoid saying things like, "I want to be an actor/singer." I am those things! I'm also learning to stop feeling apologetic about acting. Here's something I had written last March:

I've been asked twice in the past week, "What is it you want to do?" And I say, "Well, I really want to be an actor..." I've realized that when I say that, I sound apologetic. Why am I apologizing? Maybe for two reasons: 1) It's that acting is not a "real" job mentality. We all have to work for a living. We don't like to work. We don't like our jobs. Why should I be so special? I guess part of me feels like I've answered the question with "Well, I really want to be rich and just shop all day." 2) It's like I'm crazy. It's the knowledge that it's so difficult to "make it," even with talent. It's slightly embarrassed for having such an impossible dream. Like I'd answered the question with "Well, I really want to found a colony on Mars." Oookay then, Kristin. You go ahead and do that. And it's that self-conscious feeling that I don't have enough talent to do it.

So, enough with being embarrassed. Enough with feeling like the odds are too long or my talent is too small. It's time for me to aggressively pursue whatever options I can.

Adam will be taking my headshot tomorrow. That's a very important thing to do for my career goals.