Feeling like a Fool

I feel like a fool. First of all, for being naive enough to think that this time things would be different and that this time the audition process would be fair. Second of all, for being so emotional and upset.

I was crying quite a bit. But I've recovered somewhat. I'm angry, but I'm also ready to move on. And what is it they say about success being the best revenge?

I've had it with the cliques and the stupidity. I'm through with trying to get into such a ridiculous organization. All they are is big. They're not good. They don't cast based on talent.

I know it all sounds a little bit like sour grapes. But I'm through. I deserve respect even if I don't get cast. So for my own sanity, I've got to call it quits with getting my hopes up that this organization, which always disrespects me, will suddenly treat me with respect.

A friend has repeatedly offered this advice: "If you don't trust them to reject you, don't trust them to direct you." Meaning if by rejecting you they would show an appalling lack of recognition for talent, they're not the kind of people you want to have directing you anyway. I'm beginning to see how wise that advice is. I had previously said I'd accept any role. And I would have had no problem with playing a small role. What I would have a problem with is playing background to someone who is distinctly less talented than I am. They probably won't even offer me a chorus role. If they do, I don't think I would want to take it.