Moving On

So, I got the expected rejection call yesterday. That brings with it the usual mix of emotions and confusion. "They're a bunch of idiots who don't recognize talent and only cast the same old people." (True.) Or: "If I can't even get cast in community theatre, how can I hope to make it professionally?" (Less true, based on the truth of the previous statement. Still, I can't always stop the insecure part of my brain from thinking it.)

I made up my mind never to audition for this company again. This has two advantages. First, I immediately feel my sanity return. No more getting my hopes up or thinking things might be different when they never are. What a relief to never waste my time or emotion on them again. Second, I finally felt emboldened to use a line I've long wanted to use. When they said they were "unable" to offer me a part, I said "Unable? I'm sorry. I thought the production team had control over casting." The woman who called said, "They do." I said, "But you just said you were 'unable' to cast me. You know, you reject me; that's fine. But I'd appreciate it if you had the balls to stand behind your decision." Haha! I'm not big on burning bridges, but that one felt so right. (And for the record, the lead went to the producer's daughter. Quelle suprise.)

Now I pick myself up and move on. And here's the hard part: How? Do I really? I've said I'm going to "aggressively pursue" an acting career in 2008. So far, action on that has been auditioning for a community theatre show and having my headshots taken (still unedited). Not good. I ask myself: What's standing in my way? What's preventing me from moving deliberately, aggressively and promptly? Why do I drag my feet? Is it laziness and fear? Or is there something else stopping me? I can't think of what that something else would be. Laziness and fear are enough. They are insidious and can eat away at all of my good intentions.

So... I'm not going to beat myself up over not having done "enough" in the first two weeks of 2008. I can't change the past. All I can do is change my future behaviors. My vow: I refuse to let laziness or fear destroy my dreams!