Fear of Aging

I remember being 10 years old. My grandma had a bottle of Oil of Olay (the kind in the glass container and before they had 50,000 different products). She said, "It will make you look 10 years younger!" That was the reason to use it. And my 10-year-old self derived a great deal of amusement out of this. Here was a lotion I could put on to make me look like a newborn! Of course, I wasn't surprised when it didn't work that way, but it made me laugh anyway.

I had a vague concept of why women wanted to look younger, but I didn't really understand it. At that time in my life, the greatest compliment in the world was to be mistaken for a 12-year-old. Even after I turned 21, there was a time when it felt good not to be carded.

So when did that change? When did getting carded go from being an insult to being a compliment? I used to love it when people thought I was older than I was. When did I start loving it when people thought I was younger than I was?

I've always looked younger than my age, which I'm grateful for now. But I also realize I don't look like a teenager. Gray hairs don't bother me. I've had some since before I was 20, and they can always be dyed. But wrinkles! I'm a little freaked out over the signs of aging on my forehead, eyes and hands.

I suppose everyone has hang-ups over their age and physical appearance. But it's especially tricky for an actor. There are days when I'm okay with it. After all, I'm not yet old enough to play Mrs. Lovett. I have to keep aging if I ever want to play that role. I also have come to terms with the fact that I'll never play Leisl. I don't want to shoehorn myself into roles (like 30-somethings in Grease).

I was flipping through a copy of The Coast of Utopia and took great comfort from the fact that Jennifer Ehle and Martha Plimpton played characters that were considerably younger than their actual ages. I was technically too old to be Hope in Urinetown, yet I could pull that off age-wise because I do look younger.

But there are days when I just feel old.

And I think the reason is that I'm years behind in the game. I didn't go to theatre school right out of high school. I didn't start auditioning right after college. My career hasn't even started yet. And that's scary. It makes me fear that I'm too late, that I'll be "too old" before I get anywhere.